you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
