Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
