why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
