Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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