TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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