He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
