u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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