shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
