If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
