it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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