If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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