o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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