Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
