i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.