Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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