im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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