I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
