I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
