my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
