please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
