just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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