So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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