I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
