I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
