I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
