Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
