i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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