You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
