Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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