i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
