the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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