There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
