Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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