you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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