I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize