Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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