Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
