Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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