a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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