you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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