well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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