I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
