Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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