the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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