I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
