my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
lets start a swedish sibling band together
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
A+ Viking dick
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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