I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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