I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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