Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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