I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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