omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
