i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
