Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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