ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
