she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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