Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
