He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
