I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
