if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
