Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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