I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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